Updated: Feb 16
By the time this is posted, I would have already started. I wrote many of these blog posts as they came to me, so by the time I went live, I just had them ready to go lol. But I wanted to do this for myself, to remember how I felt about starting therapy.
So here it is...
I'm not sure how I should feel about it. Nervous? Anxious? Scared? Happy? I’m kind of feeling all of the above. The only thing I know about therapy is what I’ve seen in movies. So I’m guessing I’m going to go lay on a couch in a room, that’s very minimally decorated and tell some person about all my problems and somewhere along the line I’ll have an epiphany and be “fixed.” But I know that’s not realistic...
Realistically, this first session is just for us to see if we’re a good fit, if we’re compatible. It’s essentially a first date.
I hope it works out. I’ve actually reached out to a few different psychologists and they aren't accepting new patients. 😩
I guess I haven’t been too clear on why it is that I’m seeking out a therapist, and many of those reasons are mine to keep, but I do think that everyone should see one.
Life is crazy sometimes and having a “judgement free zone” where you can just vent, is awesome. Yes, we have significant others, friends, and family, but honestly it’s not fair to dump all your shit on them, all the time. Yes I can talk to Bae, yes he knows all the reasons I’m going (because we’ve discussed them) but I need a professional and I’m finally not afraid to say that!
I have trauma I need to heal from.
Many traumas, one of them being that I never fully processed the death of my great grandmother, which happened in like 2005-2006. I never really remember. Mostly because I’ve lost a lot of that time of my life. As a defense mechanism, I just don’t remember much. When I realized that whenever I thought about her it was an hour long crying session, I knew I never healed from it.
Even as I write this now, I’m tearing up. Her death is one of the things that finally pushed me to go. We were really close, I cannot think of her without a wave of emotions. It feels like I’m finding out she died, all over again. So, I want to get past that so that I can have happy memories of her-if that’s possible.
Of course, I’m also going to discuss my anxiety and social anxiety. If you read my previous post on Living With Un-diagnosed Anxiety, then you know this is a long time coming. For so long I literally just thought this is the way I was, I mean I guess it is but it’s so frustrating to constantly feel anxious and not realize that THAT'S what happening, not being able to say “yeah I’m just having a panic or anxiety attack right now.”
Having to to talk yourself down and say it’s all in your head because you thought anxiety was a made up condition that white people got...
No shade but anxiety and mental health are not discussed in the black community.We’re slowly changing that stigma and I’m both happy and nervous to be taking this huge first step to better myself. Ill keep y’all posted on how it goes.
If you have any questions on the process I went through to find a therapist, or want to know what other things made me realize I needed to go, feel free to message me or send an email. I know it can be hard to take that step, especially for those of us who come from families that do not talk about mental health. My inbox and DM's are always open.